just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
