her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
