remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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