I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize