sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
