dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
