Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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