she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
