if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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