Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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