I'm laying in your front yard are you home
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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