I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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