i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize