I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
