The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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