I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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