Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
