There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize