apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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