just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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