My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You may now shotgun with the bride
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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