I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
