I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Life is so much better after having sex.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
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