So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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