She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize