rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
