So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
