you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize