We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
