3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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