Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
