how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
