so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
