I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
