I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
