I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
