ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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