he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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