Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Dear god my vagina.
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