why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
