She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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