I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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