i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Randomize
