Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
