i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
