he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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