Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
this is an emotional support booty call
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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