you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
