someone threw a dead crab at me
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize