my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Watching her eat just hurts me
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
