you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Of course I have a pirate flag
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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