Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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