I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
