xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
