I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
