I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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