dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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