3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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