Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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