Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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