i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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