Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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