HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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