Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
