Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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