I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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