i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
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