That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
