I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
This baby is an asshole
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
